Apr 22, 2011
Every day I read the Account Suspensions forum over on the Xbox Live site. I admit it is my own little slice of reality entertainment, heck I even have it posted on the main page with a link over there for anyone else who enjoys this same sort of voyeuristic obsession I have.
I love watching as time and again waves of Timmies crash upon the rocks of justice that is the Policy Enforcement Team ( XBLPET Golf is my secret crush ). But every so often I feel bad for these clearly troubled people and so I have decided to make a PSA to help them understand the hows and whys of their most common questions and just how important it is to read the ToS and CoC that every person on Xbox Live has agreed to when they join.
Let me start with a quick story.
Last year Gamestation changed its terms and conditions to say “By placing an order via this web site on the first day of the fourth month of the year 2010 Anno Domini, you agree to grant Us a non transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul”.
Seriosuly, you would lose your soul if you didn’t read the legalease on the website.
So how many people lost their soul last April fools day? 7,500.
Gamestation said that the prank was designed to remind customers that when doing anything online “the devil is in the detail and … always read the terms and conditions”, according to a company statement.
So what should we take away from this? What is the moral of the story? PAY ATTENTION TO THE TERMS YOU AGREE TO! Now on to the helping.
Tip # 1 – NEVER ask for proof.
This is mistake numero uno. Demanding proof of your crime to show your innocenceis the dumbest tactic out there. Why you ask? Because Microsoft sees, hears and knows EVERYTHING you do, say and think on THEIR system. Don’t believe me, then see below for a nice example of OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOT. ( click the pictures to see them at full size for a chuckle )
Tip # 2 – NEVER admit to the crime and hope for a lesser punishment.
This is very honorable, but it will never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, never change the outcome of an enforcement decision. EVER. The only way to not get busted is to not do the crime. See below for an example of what to NEVER EVER do.
Tip # 3 – DON’T cry about the money spent or the Gold you just renewed, nobody cares.
This isn’t to be a jerk, but so what? You spent your parents money and lost it, congrats on learning how real life works Timmy. Think you should get a refund after breaking the rules? Again, not going to happen. It is clearly written that you break the rules and get banned, you lose EVERYTHING. Look at how well the waterworks is for this Timmy.
Tip # 4 – DON’T threaten to leave Microsoft for Sony unless you mean it you tease.
Sony is free. Sony is also currently offline as it pissed off the wrong group of nerds. You get what you pay for people and since Microsoft has your money already, well I don’t think they mind losing the cheaters and hackers to Sony, so don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
Tip # 5 – DON’T EVER HAVE YOUR MOM POST!
Nothing screams “I’m a cry baby” like having your mother post, especially when she breaks every rule above. EPIC FAIL!
Of course there are a 100 excuses used and none EVER work. I was away, my account was hacked, my friend did it, your are infringing on my Constitutional rights, I pay for this I can do what I want. Bottom line, READ the ToS and the CoC (http://www.xbox.com/en-US/Legal/livetou ) before being an idiot. If you decide you want to break the rules afterwards, cool, but don’t be surprised if I am laughing at your pain while eating popcorn and playing on Xbox Live.
Game On!
Some of the best are the ones supposedly from Mom or dad in text speak or piss poor grammar. These posts always give me a laugh.